When Mediocre First Officers Go Bad!
by Jamie August
Summary: What the heck is wrong with Chakotay? He's acting, well...goofy! A parody, obviously.


_DISCLAIMER: Nope, not mine. I'm still bowing to Paramount the Mighty._

_FEEDBACK: Please! Review or email to: augustdragon81@netscape.net_

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, I know Chakotay and the Doc would never act like_

_ this. That's why it's a **parody**, people! Oh, and please be nice, this is my first_

_ Voyager fic. Geez, is no fandom safe from me? Nope, guess not. *evil laugh*_   
  
  
  
  
  


**_When Mediocre First Officers Go Bad!_**

_Jamie August_   
  
  
  
  
  


"I am Chakotis of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."   
  


Everyone on the bridge of _Voyager_ stopped what they were doing and turned toward the doorway where Chakotay stood. Captain Janeway set down her coffee and rose from her command chair, studying the First Officer. Chakotay stood ramrod straight, with a blank look on his face. _Great_, she thought, and began walking toward him. _I really don't need this. Especially not before I've finished my coffee._   
  


The commander allowed Janeway to come within five feet of him, then he burst out laughing. He waved his arms and managed to choke out, "No, guys, I was just kidding. Seriously, you should've seen the looks on your faces! Priceless!"   
  


Janeway frowned. "Chakotay, I really think we should discuss your relationship with Seven. You really haven't been yourself since you began dating her."   
  


Chakotay didn't answer. Still chuckling, he shook his head and left the bridge.   
  


"Wow, what was _that_ all about?" Harry asked.   
  


"Don't ask, Ensign." Janeway settled into her chair again and reached for her coffee.   
  
  
  


_Later that day. . ._   
  


"I am Chakotis of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is --"   
  


"Futile, yes, I know." Janeway sighed and set down the duty roster she'd been looking at. She leaned back in her chair and motioned Chakotay into the conference room. When the commander had taken the seat across from her, she leaned forward. "Chakotay, I'm going to cut to the chase. Is this some sort of weird Borg foreplay Seven taught you? It's really starting to disturb the crew."   
  


He shrugged. "It's not my fault they're disturbed. Get it? Disturbed? Like, mentally disturbed?" He started laughing.   
  


The stern look on Janeway's face didn't change.   
  


Chakotay shrugged again. "Jeez, Kathryn, get a sense of humor already. You're such a drag."   
  


"What is the matter with you?!" Janeway exploded. She took a deep breath to calm herself. When she felt she had her frustration under control, she looked across the table at her First Officer. "Chakotay, I'm worried about you. You aren't acting normally. I think you should go get checked out by the Doctor."   
  


For some reason, that made the commander start laughing again. "Um, yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Yup, I'll go see the Doctor. Thanks, Captain."   
  


Watching him leave the conference room, Janeway shook her head in exasperation. Sure, Chakotay had been happy since getting together with Seven of Nine, and she knew love had the power to do strange things to people, but _this_ was just abnormal!   
  
  
  


_In the mess hall. . ._   
  


Neelix looked up from the pot he was stirring. "Good afternoon, Commander Chakotay! Can I interest you in a bit of lunch? I was just cooking up some of my famous Neelix Surprise. Would you like to try some? Come on, Commander, be brave." Neelix stopped talking when he saw the zombie-like look on the commander's face. He nervously wiped his hands on the front of his apron. "Commander? Are you feeling all right?"   
  


"I am Chakotis of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."   
  


"Uh, excuse me, Commander?" Neelix gulped.   
  


"You will be added to our collective. Resistance is futile."   
  


Shrieking, Neelix grabbed the nearest ladle and brandished it at Chakotay. "Get back! Stay away from me! Help! Someone, help!" He made a move to slap his comm badge, preparing to call for Security, but stopped when he realized the commander was bent over laughing. Since when did the Borg laugh? "Commander?"   
  


Chakotay straightened up and pointed at Neelix. "You should've seen your face! That was great!" He imitated Neelix's grip on the ladle. "Help! Mommy! Help me!" With tears pouring from his eyes, he collapsed against the counter in a hysterical giggle-fit.   
  


Allowing his hands to relax from their death-grip on the ladle's handle, Neelix gaped at the commander. His face turned red as he realized it had only been a joke. "Commander Chakotay! That was a terrible, cruel trick to play! It's not funny! Stop laughing!"   
  


Still giggling, the commander pushed himself off the counter and casually strode out of the mess hall. Neelix watched him go, then dropped the ladle in relief. He reminded himself to mention the commander's odd behavior the next time he spoke to the captain.   
  
  
  


_Meanwhile, in Sick Bay. . ._   
  


"No, he hasn't come to see me yet." The Doctor set a hypo-spray on the table and turned to Captain Janeway. "What time did you order him to Sick Bay?"   
  


She sighed. "I didn't. I suggested it, and he seemed agreeable. I suppose I _should_ have ordered him. And possibly sent a security team with him. Do you have any idea why he's acting this way?"   
  


The Doctor shook his head. "I can't know until I examine him. But, Captain, it may not be a medical problem. It's possible he's having a mental breakdown."   
  


"Excuse me?" Surely she hadn't heard that correctly.   
  


"Think about it, Captain. Commander Chakotay has been through a lot lately. It's possible he's just snapped. It happens. Remember when he thought he was that famous boxer?"   
  


"The Maquis Mauler." Janeway nodded. "But, Doctor, that was different. What you're suggesting now is that Chakotay is mentally unbalanced. Correct?"   
  


"Yes."   
  


She sighed. No, she wasn't ready to believe that just yet. "Well, we'll get him down here and then figure out what's wrong with him." With that, Janeway left Sick Bay. She was beginning to wonder about the Doctor's sanity, also. It just wasn't like him to diagnose a mental breakdown without even examining the patient!   
  
  
  


_In some corridor on Voyager. . ._   
  


"I am Chakotis of Borg."   
  


"No, you aren't." Tuvok grabbed Chakotay by the arm. "Please come with me, Commander."   
  


"Hey, where are we going?" Chakotay tried to pull away, but Tuvok held him fast.   
  


"We are going to Sick Bay. Please stop struggling. I have orders to escort you to the Brig if you give me any trouble."   
  


Chakotay pouted. "Oh, fine."   
  
  
  


_In Sick Bay (again). . ._   
  


"I am Chakotis of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."   
  


"That's very interesting, Commander. Hold still." The Doctor ran a medical tricorder over Chakotay's head. Looking at the readings, he nodded. "Hmm, just as I thought."   
  


Chakotay twisted around, trying to see the readings on the tricorder. "What?"   
  


"You have a chemical imbalance. It's causing you to suffer manic episodes." The Doctor loaded up a hypo-spray and injected it into Chakotay's arm.   
  


"Ow! Hey, what was that?"   
  


"Something to make you feel all better," the Doctor said dryly.   
  


"Well, it hurt!" Chakotay rubbed his arm.   
  


The Doc rolled his eyes. "Oh, it did not. Stop whining."   
  


Something occurred to Chakotay. "Hey, are you mad at me?"   
  


"I'm a hologram. Holograms don't get mad."   
  


"_You_ do."   
  


"Well, I'm not." The Doc sighed.   
  


"I think you are."   
  


"I assure you, Commander, I'm not."   
  


"Yes, you are!"   
  


"Really, Commander, you're behaving like a child." The Doctor picked up another hypo-spray and injected Chakotay with it.   
  


"Ow! What was that one?"   
  


"Oh, just a mild sedative." Before the last word was out of the Doctor's mouth, Chakotay fell over on the examining table. Smiling with grim satisfaction, the Doc leaned over and whispered to the unconscious commander, "You're right. I _am_ mad at you."   
  
  
  


_On the bridge, an hour later. . ._   
  


"Hey, Captain? I've been thinking. I think it's about time I got a promotion. I mean, I've been a lowly ensign on this ship for, what? Seven years? Isn't it about time for a promotion?" Harry ignored the murderous glares he was receiving from the other 'lowly' ensigns on the bridge.   
  


Janeway closed her eyes briefly. When she opened them, Harry was still looking at her expectantly. "Harry, we'll discuss this later. I have other things on my mind."   
  


"Oh, right." Harry nodded. "So, how is Commander Chakotay?"   
  


"The Doctor informs me that he's doing better. He's keeping him in Sick Bay for observation, but he thinks he's corrected the chemical imbalance."   
  


"Good. That 'Chakotis of Borg' thing was really starting to freak me out." Harry shuddered.   
  


Janeway nodded. "I know what you mean, Ensign."   
  


Before Harry could start whining about a promotion again, the turbolift door slid open and Chakotay walked onto the bridge. He glanced around quickly, then focused on Janeway. He cleared his throat, then announced, "I am Chakotis of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is --"   
  


"Oh, knock it off, Chakotay!" Janeway shouted. "If you say that one more time, I'm going to have Tuvok throw you in the Brig!"   
  


Chakotay blinked at her. "Your technological and cultural distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile. I am Chakotis of Borg. You will be --"   
  


"Get him, Commander Tuvok."   
  


"Yes, Captain." Tuvok started across the bridge, but Chakotay jumped back inside the turbolift. The doors slid shut an instant before Tuvok reached them. "Don't worry, Captain. I will find him."   
  


Janeway rested her head in her hands. "You do that, Tuvok."   
  
  
  


_Back in Sick Bay. . ._   
  


Chakotay sat up on the bio-bed and clutched his head. _Ooh_, he thought, _what the heck was in that hypo-spray?_ He was in the process of carefully lowering his feet to the floor when the doors to Sick Bay slid open and Tuvok walked in with a security team at his back. Tuvok motioned to the bio-bed, and two members of the security team walked over and grabbed Chakotay by the arms.   
  


"Hey!" he exclaimed. "Tuvok, what is the meaning of this?"   
  


"You know perfectly well what the meaning of this is, Commander. You are to be taken to the Brig for the disturbance you just created on the Bridge."   
  


"What? No, the Doctor cured me! I've been unconscious for the last hour, for crying out loud! I demand you let me go! Help!"   
  
  
  


_A few minutes later. . ._   
  


Chakotay walked into Sick Bay, glanced at the empty bio-bed, and smirked. Taking a quick look around to make sure he was alone, he placed his right foot up on a chair and pulled up his pant leg to reveal the Doctor's mobile emitter. He fiddled with it for a moment, then the holographic visage of Chakotay was replaced by the Doctor's form.   
  


The Doctor cocked his head, listening. He could still hear the real Chakotay's protests coming from down the hall, where he was being dragged toward the Brig. He nodded in satisfaction.   
  


"That's what he gets for moving in on Seven behind my back!"   
  
  
  
  
  


_END_   
  


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